Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Last Post of 2011

Well, everyone, this is it. It is the last day of 2011 and if you are not looking back on the last twelve months dissecting what has happened since this time last year, than I am honored to have the one exception to that rule reading my blog. lol In all seriousness, I think the key to surviving New Years Eve (besides alcohol) is to not be too hard on yourself. I used to do that...obsess over everything I did not do in the year to the point where this holiday of sorts became one that I approached with bitterness and depression and now...Well, I still hate it but I don't ring in the New Year hating myself and that is good. (Yes, a little known fact about me is that I do honestly hate New Years Eve. I have ever since I can remember. But I think it is because I hate endings. However, in order to get to the fresh starts you have to let things go.)

In the last twelve months there have been many changes in my life. I started out this year engaged. I was a mother. I had a pretty predictable life and I was under the assumption that by this time I would be married (the date was set for October). And then in the blink of an eye all of that was gone. First, he left and then he took his child and I was left with the rug pulled out from under me wondering what was right. Do I try to put things back together again knowing that neither one of us was happy for the sake of the family I built or do I accept what has happened and reinvent parts of my life to suit me and me (mostly) alone (there is my baby sister to consider also but since she is 15 she is down for anything at this point). After some epiphanies I went with the latter and I am so much happier for it. Except for the damage my body has done and a few new emotional scars, I am me again.

Reconnecting with a great guy I once knew was a very unexpected but beautiful surprise for me this year. His friendship has meant quite a bit to me these last few months as I assume he knows already and although there are sometimes frustrations involved, having that friendship is worth it to me. Whatever it becomes in the future it makes me happy to know we will always have that. I love him, he loves me and right now that's enough. :)

On a note totally unrelated to love and all the mushy shit, I got my associate's degree in psychology this year, I started my bachelor's, and I made the choice to self-publish Castles Made of Sand. People I have never met have actually read my book. It may not be much, but I still think it is pretty fucking cool. Hopefully in 2012 I will be fortunate enough to find the right agent to take the self out of that phrase because that has been my goal all along. But at least I made some movement toward something this year with my writing, right? Right. :)

Until this last week, the year had not been too bad for my immediate family. Ending 2011 with grandpa in the hospital hooked up to tubes, being told that he could still die even after he has held on this long, is mind boggling to me. But I have faith that he hasn't gone through all of this to let go now. This time next year I will be writing about something crazy he did at Christmas. And it is that belief that allows me to be here typing this instead of losing my fucking mind.

Except for grandpa's health problems, I can see the good that has come from every painful situation I have faced this year. Every tear I've shed has cleansed me, every sob helped me let go, and I can honestly say that as far as where I am in my life, I sit here tonight happier than I was at this time last year. I know where I am going and I am proud of where I've been. Tragedy, pain, it does serve a purpose if only you try hard enough to find it.

So what about the next twelve months? What do I want from 2012? I want good health, joy, and prosperity, and peace for those I love. I want to finish Rapunzel and self-publish it in March and then find an agent to find a publisher that will take over the work of promotion on a bigger scale than I ever could. I also want to get a good chunk of Book Two to the Dark Fairy tales series, Beauty and the Beast, finished by next New Years Eve. Are you excited? I'm excited. Luke is quite dashing as the beast, kids. He may be the sexiest vampire I have ever made. He's just that good. No surprise, really. Of all the Princess movies, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite and I have always thought that the way The Beast was in the cartoon was pretty fucking hot. Don't judge my strange ways, ok? That's not nice. haha I also want the world to be a stronger but kinder place, I want people to be stronger but kinder people, and I want some wisdom to finally seep into the collective consciousness of humankind. Will I get that? My hopes are not high. But if you want it, you must start it with yourself. 

Good books, good music, and good people are really all I need...along with love of all be happy. So if I get only that this year, I will be content.

And as for you, my good blogger people, I wish all of you the best twelve months you have ever had. I hope you all have a year full of prosperity, good health, love, joy, and peace. I also hope that when you sit twelve months from now and you look back on 2012 you see more good things in those months than bad and for each bad thing that does come your way, I hope it leads to something great. God bless/Blessed be to you all and may you all have a very very happy New Year. Now it is on to 2012!!!!
P.S. In case you couldn't tell, I am among those that believe the Mayan Calender ends in 2012 because the people making it ran out of stone to carve it on...;)

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