Monday, December 19, 2011

A Completely Self-Indulgent Post

As the title stated, this post is completely self-indulgent...and if you are not interested (like I probably won't be come tomorrow) I understand. If you also subscribe to my Castles blog, I am going to try to post something tomorrow so hopefully I will have more goodies from 1968 coming your way. But in the meantime, there is this....
I know this guy...I have known him for a long time now actually...and I have loved him just as long. Most of the time this guy is amazing. I mean, the Gods themselves could not have found a man more perfect for me. Not only is he perfect for me, but he is pretty fucking great in general. I mean, he has a mind that amazes me (always a huge plus for me but not always easy to find), he is beautiful, and I am pretty sure he could make a statue made of marble crack a smile if he tried hard enough. He also has a voice that goes right through me. Yeah, he is pretty fucking wonderful...most of the time. I would even go so far as to say 99% of the time...but there is one problem...
He is a little broken and so am I. Emotionally damaged is a very appropriate term for us both I suppose. Life and love have been unkind to us over the years and unfortunately when faced with certain things we shut down. For him, that thing appears to be emotions in general. For me, it is doubt. It doesn't take much in the doubt department to shut me down either. Just one seed and I am looking at you suspiciously wondering if you ever gave a damn until something somewhere shows me you do. The little things mean everything to me so as long as the doubt isn't a constant thing, this is something that can be undone. But I don't know if that matters anymore. Because even if he loves me, he doesn't want to and if he doesn't want to how can I ask him to? What right do I have to do that? Love is supposed to make you happy, right? So if you hate that you love someone what is the point in fucking loving at all?

So I know I should be selfless and let him go. I had to do it once before, you know. I had to work on getting him off my mind and out of my veins. But never totally out of my heart. But I was so young then and so fucking hopeful about the world and the future and all that. I thought there were plenty of guys out there that I could love like him. I know now that isn't exactly true. All of the things that made it impossible for us to have any chance way back then are gone...all except the fact that he and I are still us and we are still damaged. 

Is it possible for two broken people to fix one another? I mean, you can fix yourself in every aspect but when you are broken in love I think nothing but love will patch that up. I want to believe that he did not come back into my life, even in the limited capacity that he was in my life, for nothing. Doesn't seem fair, you know. To be able to let go of every broken dream, every unrealistic desire but one only to find that one within your grasp...and watch it disappear again. But life isn't fair, is it? Everyone knows that. So I want to believe that there is a chance that two broken people can fix one another, love one another, at least understand and accept one another's cracks if they cannot be repaired. But tonight I have only my doubt to fill my heart and make me wonder, make me doubt all that I felt so sure of just last night. 

P.S. If you are reading this, asshole....I love you. I get you. I even know where you are coming from, believe it or not. You have taken plenty of risks in your life as we both know well. How many of those risks had any chance of a happy outcome? Heartbreak won't kill you, you know. And it doesn't matter because in this case, I am a sure thing. And if you want the comfort of knowing I am yours...well...I suppose you would have to make me yours, wouldn't you? Muah!

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