Thursday, September 29, 2011

As we approach my favorite month...

I can't help but think of the way this year has changed me for the better by putting me through the worst. If you had told me last October that I would let go of people I thought I would have a life with for the rest of my life I would have called you a liar but that is exactly the way it turned out. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I suppose, then, that the things that make you feel as if you're dying, should you get through them, makes you tough as steele. But mistakes in love (on your end and the end of the person you are/were with) are like mistakes in life. They can be turned into lessons so the next time you get your feet wet you improve your chances at success. I hung on too long to an illusion. I saw what I wanted to see instead of what I had. This is not to say I was always unhappy or anything like that. Just that I kept clinging to something with all of my might even when I knew it was irrepairable and as a result I suffered a lot of avoidable pain and possibly blew my chance at a good thing. If the bad outweighs the good, if you are experiencing more pain than joy, but you still love may need to face the fact that Don Henley was absolutely right. Sometimes love just aint enough. Letting go of a romantic relationship, however deep, doesn't mean letting go of the love. The love is something we cannot control. But what we tolerate from others is completely up to us. Everyone sacrafices at one point or another for love but here is what I have woken up to realize. If the sacrafice, the work, the effort is all one sided than so is the commitment to stay together. You can't make it work like that no matter how much you love and even if you are loved in return because yes it is possible that your man/woman still loves you and still doesn't give a damn about actually being with you. It does happen. See, I never thought that way. I was a person that believed as long as there was love there was a chance no matter what else happened. This happens like once a decade so feel free to copy and paste...I WAS WRONG. That's right boys and girls and no I will not repeat it. haha So I've learned to change my perspective on that. I've also learned what I need to be happy with someone. I need someone I can depend on, someone who is completely loyal, someone who is HONEST, and someone who gives as much as I do. I have many flaws. I am sometimes a total bitch, there are times when I don't make sense, and there are times when I fall apart for no apparent reason long after a traumatic event has passed. I get this. I get that I can be a handful. But on the other hand, I am also fiercely loyal and protective, I love with all I have, I don't usually walk away, and I give one hundred percent...even to people who don't particularly deserve it. I'm not such a bad catch. I don't pay attention to how many guys look at me when I walk in a room because to me that shit means nothing. I pay attention to whether or not there is one man out there...just ONE...that thinks I am the most beautiful, extraordinary woman in the world...just ONE man that feels like I'm his everything. That is what I want, what I need. That is where my forever will be. Until I find know me. I'll keep myself occupied with porn site and romance novels if I feel lonely because I will never settle for less than I deserve. ;) I am looking forward to the future, to finding love again, and to making my mark in the world one small step at a time. But for right now, man, I am just happy it's fall, that my favorite holiday is right around the corner, and that the happy hippie witch is back with a smile on her face. :)

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