*DRUM ROLL PLEASE*
This is my last Samhain before I give birth. That's right. I'm all knocked up and shit. I am six months, two weeks, and two days along. I know I've touched on my health problems before but I don't think I've ever talked about my history with Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and miscarriages. I never thought I would be able to carry a child past the first trimester. Even as I peed on the stick this time and that second line popped up immediately, I was telling myself not to get excited. I told my boyfriend and the few family members that I shared the news with in the beginning the same thing. Like a good Witch, I did spells to protect us both and to keep her safe and snug in the womb until it is time for her to join the outside world. But even though I'm normally very confident in my spellwork, part of me still doubted that my body could do this. The fear has eased a little but it probably won't go away completely until she's born healthy...just in time for me to start a lifetime of worry over everything else. :)
I have fears that are completely unrelated to the baby and my body as well. I have raised a child before. I know how hard it can be to do things like writing, which will always come second to feeding the baby, changing the baby, playing with the baby...everything that motherhood entails. I know how easy it could be to wake up fifteen years from now and realize that I haven't written a single word since I had my child. Besides something going wrong with the baby, this is my greatest fear. Writing is not something I do. It is part of who I am. It is one of the few things that make up the core of my soul as far as I'm concerned. The moment that I found out I was pregnant and I knew I would have her and keep her, I decided that she comes first no matter what and I will honor that. But it would kill a piece of me if I lost the writer to the mother. This may not be a fear that big names in the literary world face. I doubt there are many male authors who have ever faced it at all. But I know that it isn't a fear that's unheard of where working mothers are concerned in general. So I've used independent artists of different types as my inspiration during my pregnancy while working toward my goal of writing an entire novel between now and January when the baby comes. My biggest inspiration has come from Zoe Keating (former member of Rasputina and current solo artists of amazing cello music), who spent her entire pregnancy working on an album and who takes her now seven or eight year old son on the road with her. Hearing her talk about the way she worked while she was pregnant was what turned on the light bulb in my mind and made me decide to not only finish my re-write of Rapunzel but to also write all of Sleeping Beauty before I give birth to a child. It's like giving birth three times in nine months. It's stressful and exhausting. But I know I can do this and I know I will not regret it.
I have also found inspiration in the pregnancy and new-motherhood-glow of one Amanda Fucking Palmer. She not only worked throughout her pregnancy to prepare for the time that she wouldn't be able to work after she had her son, she has also been very open about her own fears concerning motherhood and her art. I've had a love affair with her blog posts since way back in the myspace days when we were both drunk quite a bit and the posts revolved heavily around small shows and wine. But these past few months I've been hanging on her every post, relating more and more with the things she was saying as I also prepare myself for the hectic year to come. Recently she posted that she went into the studio to record a little bit of a song just weeks after having the baby and though it may not sound like a lot, I was cheering her on all the way. It's something. It's good. It's proof that you can have it all.
So for any of you who read my books, I am sorry it's been so long between novels. I do have a finished book sitting on my desktop. I swear it. But I also know full well that it will be much easier to edit with a baby strapped to my chest than it will be to write a novel next year. And that's my plan for the beginning of the baby's life. I am going to edit both novels and hopefully have them live on Amazon by May. Originally my goal was to write a novel a year. However, I know that for the first five years, I probably won't have time to write enough to make that happen. So instead I promise you, dear readers out there in the virtual universe, that I will write as much as I can, get the books out as fast as I can, and I won't give up. I'm not finished. Not by a long shot. I just need a little patience from you all and a promise that you won't forget about me.
For all of my Witchy friends out there, I've had some interesting experiences with Witching while pregnant that some of you may understand. For one thing, I got pregnant in April, during the time of the Wheel of the Year where we are celebrating fertility and new life and just before we celebrate the Goddess getting pregnant. The baby is due the day before Imbolc, the day when we celebrate the Goddess's recovery from childbirth and a return of sorts to Herself. I, however, believe she will come in the middle of the month which will make this Sabbat even more relevant as I will be able to put her bassinet in the circle for convenience sake and perform this ritual with the baby there instead of doing it from a hospital bed with a minimum of actual movement. This is also just a little over a month after we celebrate the Goddess giving birth. So as I've gone through the Sabbats I have found myself relating more with the myths than I did before because I'm experiencing the same sort of stage of pregnancy as the Goddess in the stories. That has made me appreciate the myths on a new level. Also, I have found magick manifesting much faster since I've been pregnant though I'm not sure why. It's strange. Physically, I've been weaker since I've been pregnant. There are many things I can't lift or clean the way I used to. I now have to ask someone to do simple things like take out heavy garbage bags for me. My autoimmune diseases, which were much better at first, have been terrible since July. I've had two blockages that both led to the inability to keep down solid food. All of that good shit... Yet, spiritually and magickally, I have never felt as powerful. It's been an odd but almost fun learning experience.
As for the baby herself? Well, here is what I know so far. She fucking LOVES gum balls (it's been my only consistent craving throughout the pregnancy), she prefers candy to chocolate (she totally gets that from her dad...I see chocolate as the food of the Gods....), she shows her appreciation for Janis Joplin by moving around so much I can barely stand it whenever I play her, she acts the same way when we get baby stuff and we look at it and talk about it (I am pretty sure she is going to love clothes...), and her hobbies right now include rolling herself up into a ball and rolling around my womb. No, I am not making that up. Yes, even the midwife seemed a little taken aback by that one. She is going to be full of energy, stubborn, and tough. And I can't wait to see her.
Oh, and her name will probably be River Song. Both Stevie Lynn and Janis Pearl were nixed by her father and her aunt....something about rock stars, drugs, and a bad influence from the start...whatever...How soon her father forgot that the original River Song killed a "very good man"....I mean, sure, she went back in time and unkilled him...but still...
I hope that life has been good to all of you since I last checked in. I do promise to try not to let half a year pass before I write again. Until next time, I hope you all have only beautiful days and I hope you all remember to smile...
