Emily awoke in the middle of the night with a sharp terrible pain in her lower back and in her lower abdomen. Something was wrong. She knew that. Hermes wasn’t in bed with her anymore so she knew it was up to her to get to the bathroom that was directly off to her right. As the pain continued, increasing with each moment, she wondered if perhaps she wasn’t in labor. I mean, three weeks ago Hecate told her there was no way to predict how fast the baby would grow or when it would come. Was it possible? She never carried a pregnancy to term before so she had no idea. But as she held on to anything she could grab in order to make it to the bathroom, she considered the possibility terrifying. She also considered the alternative absolutely horrifying. If she wasn’t in labor...what was wrong? Screaming for Hecate, she curled up in a ball as soon as she reached the bathroom floor. She needed to sit on the toilet, to see if there was any blood. To be an American woman having a miscarriage was dangerous enough at this point but to have a miscarriage the doctors don’t understand? She would go to prison for sure! Again she screamed for Hecate, her real mother, her true mother, the one who nurtured and guided her most of her life...She felt as if this was news that had to come from Her and Emily would deal with the consequences from there.
Oya appeared looking extremely somber with Oshun at her side. The two women helped Emily to get on the toilet and Oya held her hand as she looked down and saw all of the blood on the inside of her legs and inside of her underwear. “This could mean anything...maybe I’m in labor!” Emily cried out. She wanted so much to believe that.
“If you were in labor, it would be the water, the source of life, that came from your body, not the blood. I am sorry, child. That baby is gone.”
Emily let her upper body fall into Oya’s arms, beautiful Goddess of death and the sorrows of women, Goddess of those who lost their babies, and Emily sobbed as she never had before. Emily really wanted to be a mother this time. She had the money and the patience and she would do what she had to do to make the time...She was already thinking of names and picking out things for a nursery. She was ready! This wasn’t like the last time, when she was a very poor seventeen year old girl with a drug addict for a mom and a dad that was long gone...Hermes may not have been perfect but he was much better than the rich twenty six year old that got her pregnant back then. His parents paid for her abortion because having their son get a girl like her pregnant was a disgrace to their good name. And then she was left alone to face that cold table and her sudden reality. But she knew it was for the best...for both herself and that clump of cells in her body. She had no way to care for a child, a child that would’ve ended up struggling just as she struggled. This time was different, though. This was real. And she felt pain in her heart unlike anything she ever felt before.
Oshun ran her a hot bath while Oya sang to her a song she couldn’t understand. It seemed to go well with her gut wrenching cries, though, and for a moment she focused on the blending of sounds coming from both of them...anything to take her mind off of what was happening. And where the hell was Hermes?
When Oya felt like Emily could stand, she helped her to the tub while Oshun stood with the cup Emily often washed her long hair with in her hand. They helped her into the bath and as she sat down, feeling the hot water ease her cramps almost immediately, there was a knock at the door. Hecate came in quickly but Emily noticed Hermes behind his aunt looking as if his heart was also breaking...and that is when it hit her. He already knew. He acted strange the past couple of weeks, as if he were coddling her. He spent every night with her, even waking her up in the morning with breakfast or coffee. And now she understood. He did not do these things out of love. He did them because he knew their connection was absolutely temporary. But when she looked away from him, all she could see was the blood turning the water a horrible shade of pink and she let out another wail that brought him running. She jerked her body away from him, barely comprehending what Hecate was telling her. “What?” Emily questioned.
“I need you to lean back. I have to close your cervix. You’ve lost the boy, which is what I assumed at your check up, but the girl lives...unless your womb remains open. A human has enough trouble carrying a demi-god when there is one. Few can carry two. I was hoping I was wrong but…” Stroking Emily’s hair, Hecate closed her eyes and gently shoved Emily back until Hecate could touch the place on her abdomen that housed her womb. All hope was not lost. Emily's baby girl still lived inside of her. It seemed strange to grieve for a child she didn’t know she was carrying but she couldn’t help the tears that fell while Hecate chanted something. A strange feeling spread across Emily’s uterus and up until Emily could feel the power where the baby’s umbilical cord connected her to Emily’s life force. Again there was that subtle feeling, as if the tiny fetus was responding to Hecate’s magic. After a tense moment, Hecate smiled a brilliant smile and she let out a sigh of relief. “As it stands right now, on this night, if nothing changes in there, this baby will live.” With her robes and all, Hecate climbed in the large jacuzzi tub and she sat behind Emily, holding her like the partners in lamaze videos. “Your baby girl will most likely live but that does not take away from the pain of losing her brother. I am sorry for that pain. I am sorry I said nothing. I did not want to alarm you if it was merely a cyst or something of that sort.”
In that moment, with Oya holding her hand, Hecate holding her body, and Oshun pouring water over her again and again as if to purify her and make her ready once more to carry the life she had left inside of her, she looked over at Hermes and she saw him sitting helplessly on the side of the tub. It hit her then the full weight of what men stole from women when they broke apart the ancient circle of women raising all of the children together, sharing problems no man could understand, helping each other through births and deaths and everything in between. No man knew what she felt in her heart as she sobbed in that tub...but Oya knew. She went through it nine times before she got her babies from their birth mother. Even when Emily was seventeen, without truly having anything but a strong feeling to go on, the only comfort she took on the horrible day of her abortion was that she knew Hecate was there with her, her real mother, her real guide. In her ear Hecate whispered, “I’ve been with thee from the beginning…”
“And I am that which is attained at the end of desire.” Emily whispered back the line in the full Charge of the Goddess. “I still have the baby I knew about and you said she is doing fine...I didn’t know he was there...how didn’t I know he was there and why does my heart hurt so much for a baby I didn’t know I was carried?”
Hecate gently rubbed Emily’s lower abdomen as she replied, “You have emotionally invested in your womb, in the fruit of that womb, in the children you’ve created out of love. I will bet that part of you knew...maybe deep down inside...because you are connected to this pregnancy. But he wasn’t forming the way he should. And whether you knew it or not, that was the fruit of your womb! Your baby as you would’ve declared him to be if you knew! Of course it hurts, my child. And you need to let that sorrow flow like your blood into this water and allow Oshun to purify you to make you ready to carry new life. Can you do that? Try to gather as much of that pain as you can and let your tears flow freely. It will be a few days in bed for you after this night. I will be sure to inform the deities you see that you are not to be bothered with their problems this week. I know Hera would be more than happy to come and help nurse you back to health, as would Athena, and Aphrodite. Aphrodite is a good girl even if she does open her mouth a bit too much...like that one there…” She pointed to Hermes. “...she almost always means well. Oya has already come for you as Oshun has. So let us care for you. Let us make you well again.”
After the Goddesses helped her from the bath, the water was immediately washed down the drain and Oshun stayed behind to clear the tub of any and all negativity. Once Emily was wearing her thick white robe (the color of bone and death to the ancient people), the Goddesses left her alone with Hermes. It was her chance to confront him and to do what she felt she had to do. “You knew about this child and you knew that I would lose him and you kept it from me, didn’t you?” Emily asked softly. “You’ve known since that day Hecate came to my office.”
“I’ve known since the night before. I felt his weak life force and I felt it draining away from him. I am the reason Hecate came to you on that day.” Hermes answered honestly.
When he reached for her hand, she yanked it away. Nodding her head, she declared, “We, as a...whatever we were...are done. There will be no more of us together in any way. I may need your help during the pregnancy since I have no idea what may come carrying a child that is half yours, you are welcomed to be there when Hecate checks my womb, and I’ll allow you in the room when I give birth to our daughter. Once she is born, we will work out a fair way to co-parent. I want you in her life. I really do. But there is no room left in my life for you as it relates to me. The fact that you knew I was pregnant and you said nothing was bad enough, but the fact that you did not tell me I was carrying a fetus that I was going to lose…? That is beyond unforgivable. I think you believed I would lose them both and that was the reason for all of the kindness you’ve shown me these past three weeks. But I have no use for someone who cares about me only because I am pregnant with his child. I want to be loved...truly loved.”
Emily knew she made a huge mistake as soon as she saw the pain rise up into his eyes. Her words cut deeper than any knife and she saw that on his face but she felt as if there was no going back. “You think I don’t love you?” When Emily turned away, he took that as a yes. Really she was just trying to hide her tears. “You are wrong. You are so so wrong. I do love that you are carrying my child but I do not love you just because you carry my child. I’ve loved you since the moment we met. I knew this was something special. Apparently it was only something special for me.” She felt the mattress shift when Hermes stood up and she knew if she was going to fix this she had to say something in that moment. “Very well. I will be back to check on you soon. Listen to Auntie Hecate. She knows her stuff. And try to rest. You need it.” There was a voice in Emily’s head screaming, ‘Tell him to stay! Tell him you love him and you want him to stay!’ but she just listened to his footsteps walk across the floor to the door. She knew he paused in the doorway and again, part of her was begging her to stop her bullshit. Instead, she let him go and she felt another piece of her shattered heart go with him.
Aphrodite heard of Emily’s loss and she came to check on her. She didn’t mean to hear the conversation Emily had with Hermes but she couldn’t help herself when she heard Emily’s accusation from just outside the doorway. Grabbing her best friend by the arm as soon as he exited that room, she pulled him to the side so the patient inside wouldn’t hear her. Hermes looked absolutely defeated as he stared at her and it broke her heart to see him like that. But it was Emily she was most concerned with. “Don’t leave her, Hermes. She doesn’t mean what she says. Her heart is broken. Yes, it was your child too but it’s different for her. She had to blame someone so she blamed you. That’s ok. But if you leave her like this, you will never be able to fix this.”
“She told me to go. I cannot force her to endure my company.” Hermes replied softly.
“No, you can’t. So sleep on the damn couch. If she tells you to go after her heart and her mind have healed, then go. But tonight? Find a way to stay and give her enough space to breathe. Auntie Hecate is in the kitchen right now discussing with Hera what to do in Olympus in her absence because she is planning to stay for a while. Ask her what you can do. When Emily falls asleep, go lay on the floor beside of her bed and hold her hand if she allows it. But please...don’t leave her.”
He trusted Aphrodite’s advice. She was the Goddess of love, after all. But more than that, she was once exactly where Emily was. When she still lived with that bastard almost-ex husband of her’s, she got pregnant by Ares. She was planning her escape for the sake of herself and her child when that bastard beat her until she lost that baby she wanted so badly. When Aphrodite told Hermes what happened, it was he who was there for her. He even made sure he told Ares, who beat Hephaestus within an inch of his life. But it was Hermes, not Ares, who sat at Aphrodite’s bedside day and night until she was better. How he could he not do that for Emily? Hugging Aphrodite to him, he kissed her cheek and he thanked her. He knew if there was anything left to save between him and Emily, Aphrodite would help him save it.
When Emily awoke, it was early in the afternoon. Each of her bedside tables had beautiful purple roses sitting on them in vases she did not recognize but, strangest of all, Hermes slept in a ball beside of her bed and in her sleep she let him keep her hand in his. Everything came rushing back to her along with the truth. He loved her. And she loved him. So what was she doing turning him out? The rational part of her brain knew what she was doing. There was no hope of a future for them. But the part of her that was still raw and wide open knew it didn’t matter. He stayed even when she told him to go, even when she was prepared to let him off the hook if he was only with her for the baby. Squeezing his hand, Emily used her free hand to wipe away the tears that fell. Whatever else they faced, he stayed. For a moment, that was enough.
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